I have struggled with fear all my life. I have had countless anxiety disorders and even more numerable are the memories I have of being not only afraid, but of being absolutely and unequivocally terrified.
It’s been a very long journey. All you have to do is read the past six months of my blogs to see that my focus has been on the fear; I have been trying desperately, and much to my own personal chagrin, to beat that fear to a pulp. Ironically, fear itself was the impetus; it was its on demise.
Ultimately, I think we as a human species have fragile intellects. We’re just not smart, and given that we are endowed with the gift of consciousness, we can know and understand our own limitations – which outnumber our virtues. The point is, fear isn’t just one thing, it is a collection of different feelings and emotions and projections – individual to each person. For me, my fear of death in particular brought forth dark, grainy images, which metaphorically connected me to dark things etc… The end of that succession of associations was what I called the truth. Only, it’s not the truth, it’s just one; it’s just my truth. The truth is that darkness and nothingness are just as wondrously beautiful and unique as what I can perceive and the qualia I experience in this lifetime.
Death isn’t the end; it is an amazing thing that should be embraced, not feared. Yeah it fucking sucks and sure I’m going to now want to die for the rest of my life, but most of the gravitas that once filled those feelings and fears and doubts is now gone. If it wasn’t for death, I would not be here; and that is a beautiful and comforting thought. If it wasn’t for the millions upon millions of things that died, I would not be here. There’s a certain sense of duty in that and an accompanying comfort that can only be found in those small corners of eternity where a living thing chooses to lay its life down for another. We can choose to fear, and we can choose to be brave. Choosing to do so in the face of those things which surely elicit opposite and often opposing emotions is both the real challenge, and the ultimate goal of any sentient being.