Stream of Consciousness

Forewarning: this is probably written horribly, and ripe with syntax errors and massive grammatical mistakes. But that’s the point. This is just me as me. Not me as the writer. Or me as the writer I want to be. This is my brain, and my self, and the collection of things we call ‘me’, all working together at once. This is unedited and unplanned. These are just my ideas and thoughts recorded as they came to me (stream of consciousness). I keep a journal, and this is something I just wrote. I thought maybe it could be of benefit to someone, even if it’s just so horrible it’s funny!

Entry:

From this moment on, I hereby do declare that I, Tanner Eastman, dedicate myself fully to the commitment that I will study as hard as I can. That means no more excessive video games, movies, television shows or self-indulgence in general. That means that I will abandon my fears and commit myself totally to learning and higher-education.

What am I doing now, in both the short-term and the long-term that makes me so happy, or is going to result in such great happiness? Nothing, that’s what. I spend my days watching television shows which I think are adequate distractions. Sure that doesn’t last long, and after a few weeks or possibly a month I grow so sick of my own sloth, and have a desire so strong to learn that I decide once and for all to quit being such a lazy cunt. Well, this time, this time I’m not quitting. It’s a horrible attitude to take the one which attaches itself to the thought I just had. The thought that ‘well you say that everytime, why is this time any different’. That’s a very negative pessimistic attitude. Sure it’s also one ripe with contradiction, but I’d rather stay positive about this than just give up because my shitty reputation precedes me. On the one hand, being endlessly positive and not realistic about this could sort of enable me to continually repeat my own mistakes; there’s no sense of urgency if I just allow myself to do whatever it wants without any control.
Hey, that’s a great way of looking at it. I cannot let my SELF do whatever IT wants. Sure I believe in free-will, but more like a determinism rather than strict libertarianism. I don’t think in terms of fatalism, like I’m just destined to be x because of y and therefore I’m totally off the hook. I’m much more clever than that. But these categories aren’t so clean and the dilenations are not so bold. There are multiple influences that all converge into this confluence we call ‘free-will’, or ‘ethics’. What I’m saying is that my biology at times decides what I’m going to do, or at least is so suggestive and seductive that I can’t say no. The real struggle between wills happens there, at the cross-roads of what our biology wants us to do, and what our minds, ‘we’, want to do. My body wants to eat a cake. But my mind knows that if I eat that cake, bad shit will happen; I’ll be ingesting a whole ton of fat into my body. I’ll sugar crash. I’ll be weaker next time a cake comes. Etc… The point is that if I’m really going to do this I really have to be honest with myself. I cannot ascribe to these arbitrary conventions simply because of popular opinion.
I have to control what my body wants me to do. I have to say ‘fuck you ‘self’, I feel like I really should write that five thousand word essay, you’re a fucking dick!’. I’ll never get any where if I pretend like I believe we are totally in control of our actions. And that my desire to NOT sit down and write a five thousand word essay is any more complicated than that. That’s why no one is able to fucking get over there selves. They fucking pollute their own ideas of what it means to be a person. They pretend like the motivations for every single action they have ever took is lying dormant in some deep recess of their mind, repressed and now wreaking havoc on their ability to write a fucking college paper. Bull-shit. Bull-fucking-shit! You’re unable to write your college paper, because your college paper represents way more than you’re willing to admit. Your college paper represents every single fucking you do not feel like doing in this life. Every thing you want, but can’t have, and so you’re secretly mad at the world. And everything you don’t want to do, but do, because you cannot control yourself. I mean, its in the very language we use; you cannot control yourSELF. You have to stop complicating things, people. It’s not some repressed memory or some deep childhood trauma, or some weak internal character, making you, your very essence, a lazy piece of shit. Nuh-uh. It’s your god-damn biology.
Nietzsche said it best. When he wrote about will-to-power, he wasn’t talking only of our internal wills. Our minds or our real selves. He was talking of our biology and our evolutionary heritage. He was talking about growth and rebirth and extinction. He was, in essence, talking about life. See, that’s another problem, now when we talk about ‘life’, it’s this egotistical thing, where life means every single persons individual life and how important that life is. You know where that sense of urgent and emergent importance comes from? It comes from the fear of death. More specifically, it comes from the realization of your own mortality. We’re all going to die is hands down the saddest and scariest sentence ever spoken or written in the history of speech and language. And we spend all of our lives trying to convince ourselves, and others, and the whole of fucking reality, that it’s just not the case. We invent religions, or we invent technologies. The point is, no one wants to die. Nietzsche said that it is inherent in our biology that we are weak and inferior – inferior to the superman that he wrote of in ‘thus spake zarathustra’. That’s also why Hitler went all fucking nuts and tried to exterminate everyone who wasn’t of the aryan race. He believed in evolution and thought that the genes of these inferiors were polluting the global gene pool and limiting our ability to transform into something bigger and better; into the ‘ubermensch’. He was a fucking psychopath, but nonetheless. Our biology constrains us. That’s the take home point.
ae
But we are gifted with more than just biology. We are gifted with a mind that can think and reason and remember; consciousness. I don’t think the divide between human thought and animal thought is so drastic. I think that divide was created by people over the years to heal the wounds that result from death and from the need to kill. I think that we also want to, need to, feel extra special so that our religions will work. The point is that in the next decade or two, I bet there will be a shift in how we look at animals and the animal kingdom. Were no better than they are, we just think and act like we are. We have a responsibility to the animal kingdom from which we rose to help them grow, not kill them off. But none of us will be able to do a single fucking thing if the majority of our population cannot resist a fucking icecream cone placed directly in front of them. And if the idea of learning and reading and writing and doing actual ‘stuff’ is so unbearable, than we are all fucked. And honestly, it is. All my peers almost without exception hate school. They just want money. Strip that down; they don’t like doing hard things, but they just want all the stuff that doing hard things provides. That’s so fucking twisted.
We have to get over ourselves. Admit how worthless we are, and work towards changing that fact. Honestly, even if you’re just a nice guy and you do nothing profound but try really hard, every single fucking person will love you. If you’re a fucking asshole who has everything handed to him, the world will hate you. Look at it from the conventions our society dolls out. Every person thinks of themselves first; our language is tailored to that. So lets look at guy number one: he had to endure a lot of fucking pain, and be nice to a lot of people, and never really achieve extreme greatness. My friends would think he was a loser. No one would say it, but since we think in terms of ourselves, and every one of them thinks the best thing would be money and no hardships, they think he’s a loser. The second guy probably fucking enjoys the shit out of his life. He feels lost and depressed, sure, but his days generally aren’t so hard.
I’d take door number one any day. We can fucking find the prize; each and every one of us. It’s easy
1) realize your mortality, how worthless and small you are; shed your ego.
2) learn your biology. Learn about evolution and genetics and free-will. Learn about emotions, and not to trust them every fucking time one flares up in-front of you. Don’t act on impulse! Especially fucking emotional impulse. Acting on emotional impulse and calling someone an asshole or crazy is just the same thing as doing fucking crack, raping, or eating a cup-cake. Sure each thing is more fucked up and unique on it’s own and endlessly more complicated than the reductionistic example implies. But the underlying framework is the same.
3) work hard. Deny yourself and work hard. It’s a fucking muscle.
4) motivate yourself. Find something to motivate yourself. Create a strategy for yourself that will work; no matter how indulgent, or how profoudn. We are looking for results, not motives!
5) this is the most important part: gain a wise, insightful perspective of this life you are living. From there you will find everything so much easier.
Don’t be a fucking self-centered entitled asshole. No one will remember you when you die, as is. Your life’s mission is simple: change that, and be fucking nice to people and moral while you do it.

 

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